The Mugglest Muggle Who Ever Muggled
by hillstar
Summary: Sirius Black is the biggest player at Hogwarts, but can he win over the one girl who hates fun, hates romance, and hates magic? Sirius/Petunia. Humor/Romance. Complete.
1. Chapter 1

**Prompts:**

 **"Are you using the Confundus Charm or are you just naturally mind blowing?"**

 **The Noble Bachelor: Write about any male character who is not married**

* * *

James Potter had a plan. He knew that Lily was sometimes sad because she didn't get along with her sister, Petunia. Whenever they visited Little Whinging, Petunia would sulk and call Lily a freak. James didn't understand how anyone could think magic was for freaks, since magic was obviously really awesome and cool. He was certain that if Petunia Evans would only change her mind about magic, the two sisters would get along again.

James already thought he knew who could change Petunia's mind about magic. If there was one warlock who could woo any lady, it was The Prince of Players, The Champion of Conquest, The Noble Bachelor of Hogwarts himself, Sirius Black.

"Please, please, please, Sirius," begged James before Quidditch practice one afternoon.

"Explain to me again why it would be a good idea for me to hit on your girlfriend's sister?"

"Because, if you used your super amazing charms on her, maybe Petunia Evans would finally realize how great magic is and stop being so mean to Lily! Look at it this way: You always win over the girls with your whole 'rebellious pureblood bad boy' thing. But Petunia Evans hates fun, she hates magic, and she hates romance. She'd be, like, the ultimate challenge!"

"Eh, I don't know," said Sirius, running his hand nonchalantly through his dark bangs. He knew he could have any straight or bisexual girl at Hogwarts falling at his feet with the slightest wink or nod of his head.

"Please…" James whined, "Just think of how pissed off your parents would be if they knew you were going out with, like, the Mugglest Muggle Who Ever Muggled!

"Well, is she good-looking?" asked Sirius.

"Eh, she's alright. Not as pretty as Lily but not bad to look at."

"I don't date any Trolls, okay?" replied his friend, "I'm only about O-level ladies."

"You know," said Remus, "maybe if you based any of your flings on something deeper than physical appearance, you might have a relationship that lasted longer than a week."

"No, Moony! It's what's on the outside that counts. That's because, on the inside, all women are crazy."

James crossed his arms. "Just because some of the women in _your_ family are super crazy, that doesn't mean that _all_ women are crazy."

"No, they _all_ are!" insisted Sirius, "That's why I keep telling you that you should keep it light with Lily before things can get too committed."

"You just say that because your biggest fear is commitment," said Remus. "Your boggart was an image of yourself getting down on one knee to propose to someone!"

"Don't remind me, Moony. I'm still having nightmare flashbacks to that DADA lesson."

* * *

That Friday, Sirius and Remus went together to meet up with Lily and James at Lily's family's house in Little Whinging. Petunia Evans sat on the sofa in the living room, watching a game show on the television.

Sirius Black eyed the Muggle girl. She was wearing a brown-and-white plaid blouse buttoned all the way up her neck and her ponytail could not be bound any tighter. She ignored everyone as she stared at the television.

Sirius sat down next to her and waited for her to notice him. When she continued staring at the TV, he cleared her throat. She turned her head and looked alarmed to see Jame's warlock friend sitting next to her.

"Hey," said Sirius, as he winked at her and smirked.

"Oh, hey," she mumbled, switching the channels to program showing a commercial for cornflakes.

He prepared to deploy one of the classic pickup lines that would usually make girls instantly swoon at his feet.

"Hey, did you just use the Stupefy charm or are you a natural stunner?"

Petunia Evans stared at Sirius blankly.

Winking at her again, Sirius pulled out another one of his best, most successful lines, "Hey honey, are you using the Confundus charm right now or are you always this mind-blowing?"

 _"What?"_ She said, her face turning red.

"Hey babe, are you a Veela? Because you seem to have me under your trace."

"I don't know what a _VEELA_ is! I don't speak Wizard, dumbass!"

Petunia Evans stood up and threw another vicious glare at Sirius Black. Then she stormed up the stairs and slammed the door to her bedroom.

* * *

Retreating to the kitchen, Sirius reconvened with Remus.

"Moony, none of my brilliant pick-up lines are working on her!" said Sirius. "Why isn't she _begging_ me to go out with her? Why isn't she _groveling_ at my feet? It's like she's totally immune to my charms! What's happening to me, Moony? Am I _cursed_? Has she been _hexed_?"

Remus sighed. He knew he was there to support Sirius as his wingman, but he honestly didn't have the slightest experience in wooing women.

"Maybe you could try actually getting to know her as a person, you know, talking to her about her likes and dislikes, that kind of thing."

"But Moony, that might lead to things like holding hands, calling each other 'boyfriend' and 'girlfriend' and c…c…c…commitment!" Sirius paled as if he might pass out as he uttered the dreaded "c word."

"Don't worry, Padfoot. Maybe she's just not that into you."

"Not that into _me?"_ said Sirius as if his world had just exploded.

* * *

Meanwhile, Petunia was up in her bedroom sulking as she sat on her bed.

Lily knocked on her door and entered.

"Hey, Petunia, are you okay?" said Lily, "You seemed a little overwhelmed from all the attention Sirius was giving you earlier."

"Why should I care what that freak thinks of me? He probably spends all his time gazing into a mirror, thinking of how much more magical and better-looking he is than everyone else."

"So, you do think he's good looking then?" said Lily.

"What? No! I just think that _he_ thinks that _other people_ think he's good-looking."

"So you _do_ find him attractive?" Lily grinned.

"Oh my god, Lily, I just said he was a freak!"

* * *

When she finally came down to the first floor, Sirius pulled Petunia aside to ask her if she wanted to go for a walk.

"Yeah, sure, okay, whatever," mumbled Petunia, staring at her feet.

They walked for several blocks around the sidewalks of Little Whinging, past fenced enclosures, carefully pruned shrubbery, and identical-looking houses.

Remembering Remus's advice, Sirius sat down with Petunia on a bench and tried to think of something to ask her.

"So hey," asked Sirius. "How does it feel to be hanging out with one of the Marauders? Is it everything you ever dreamed?

"What the hell is a Marauder?"

"You know, coolest guys at Hogwarts…. baddest pranksters who ever lived…"

"Baddest pranksters who ever lived? What are you, _five?"_

"No, no, I'm...I'm a Marauder. It's...really awesome... Me, James, Remus, and Peter are Padfoot, Prongs, Moony, and Wormtail. Those are our cool, Marauder names."

"Well, obviously, I've never even heard of that, because I don't go to Hogwarts, dumbass," said Petunia.

"Oh, um, okay…" Sirius scratched his shoulder. "Well, what kind of Muggle things do you like then?"

"You mean, like, normal people things? I guess I like watching TV shows and reading magazines about celebrities."

"Wow, Petunia. You're not like anyone I've ever met before," said Sirius, looking into her eyes curiously. "Can I ask you something? How does it feel to be a Muggle?

Petunia shrugged. "I don't really think about it that much. For me, being a Muggle is just, like, the normal way to be. I just hate it when everyone acts like Lily is so perfect and like I don't even exist."

"Really? That's how my family treats me, too! They act like _I_ don't exist, which is ridiculous, because, I mean, _I'm Sirius Black._ _"_ Sirius flipped his hair dramatically and flexed his arms. "I hate that they ignore me just because I don't believe everything they all believe. My parents think magical people should only hang out with other magical people. They would hate it if they knew I was talking with a Muggle right now."

"Oh my god! What kind of freaks would be so freaky they'd want to be even bigger freaks than a freak like you?" said Petunia.

Sirius blushed. "Wow, Petunia, I never looked at it that way, but you're _so right."_

Taking her hand, he gazed deeply in her eyes. He knew it was time to use the line that he always used on girls before they got the wrong idea and he braced himself for her reaction.

"Before this goes any further, let me just be clear. I'm not looking for anything too serious."

"That's fine," said Petunia dryly, "It's not like I expected any different."

 _What?_ Thought Sirius, _Why was she not crying? Why was she not freaking out? Why wasn't she acting all craaazy?_


	2. Chapter 2

Two nights later, Sirius Black was frantically pacing in the Gryffindor common room. He kept asking Remus why Remus thought they hadn't heard from Petunia Evans yet.

"Why hasn't she owled? Do you think she even has an owl? If she doesn't have an owl, why didn't she call me on the fellytone? Maybe she thinks I don't know to use the fellytone just because I'm not a Muggle!"

"If you really want to see her again," offered Remus, "Why don't you trying asking _her_ out or something?

 _Me?! Ask her out?!_ , thought Sirius, _What kind of foolish scheme was Moony putting him up to?_

* * *

That night, Petunia was working on her Algebra homework when she heard a roaring outside of her window. Annoyed by the interruption, she opened the window to see James's friend, Sirius, riding some kind of flying motorbike. He was dressed in a combination of a biking jacket and some kind of fancy robe out of the 16th century.

"What the hell are you doing?" said Petunia, sticking her head out the window.

"I'm here to take you on a moonlit ride. Your chariot awaits, my lady." Sirius gestured to the seat on the back of the flying motorbike.

""My lady? What is this, the Middle Ages?"

"Yes, and I am the wicked warlock who has come to free you from your oppressive, feudal society!"

"You want me to get on that...thing?" Petunia scrunched her nose.

"What, you don't trust my magic to keep you aloft?"

"To keep me aloft? Are you mad?!"

"Well, do you want to go for a ride or not? Never worry, my lady, I promise not to let you fall."

 _Oh, hell,_ thought Petunia as she sat on the back of his motorbike.

* * *

Petunia cursed, swore, and screamed as the motorbike dipped and glided. She kept her arms wrapped around his waist, stunned that she hadn't plummeted to her death yet.

They flew far above Little Whinging. As the rooftops of the houses became smaller in her view, the night sky rushed around her.

Soon her screams of fear became squeals of delight as they rushed higher and faster, the motorbike roaring like thunder and ascending like a shooting star.

They travelled across many parts of Britain, flying too high to be spotted by either Muggles or other witches and wizards. After taking her all around Britain, he returned to her house.

She asked if he wanted to come inside. He parked the motorbike against her closet.

"That's the first time I've ever flown before," said Petunia, catching her breath. "I've always wondered what it was like."

"Really? Lily's never taken you up on a broomstick or anything?"

"I thought that wasn't allowed, for Muggles to fly with witches and wizards"

"Oh, well, technically, it's not," said Sirius. "But I guess I don't really care about that rule."

He realized he didn't really know what else to talk about. "So…do you want to listen to some music now? Do you have any Stones albums?"

"I don't really like The Rolling Stones," said Petunia. "I mean, Mick Jagger is such a poseur. He's clearly just some player rich boy pretending to be a rebel."

"What?" Sirius took offense, wounded at this slight against his musical hero. "Mick Jagger is the coolest! How can you not like The Stones? I thought the Stones were the biggest band in the Muggle world!"

"Um, actually the biggest band in the Muggle world is the Beatles," said Petunia.

"The Beatles…who are they?"

"You've never heard of the Beatles?" Petunia rolled her eyes. "Wow, you really _are_ a freak."

"Well, who are they?"

"The Beatles are these guys, kind of like the Stones, except whereas the Stones are always trying really hard to be cool, the Beatles just sing about things like the power of love. That's why The Beatles are actually really a lot cooler than The Stones."

She took out her record-player from the top of her dresser and a box of records from under her bed.

"Okay, here's one of their records. This one's actually my favorite song. It's a little corny but I like it."

The music played, filling Petunia's bedroom.

 _Wednesday morning at five o'clock as the day begins_

 _Silently closing her bedroom door_

 _Leaving the note that she hoped would say more_

 _She goes downstairs to the kitchen clutching her handkerchief_

 _Quietly turning the backdoor key_

 _Stepping outside she is free_

 _She (We gave her most of our lives)_

 _Is leaving (Sacrificed most of our lives)_

 _Home (We gave her everything money could buy)_

 _She's leaving home after living alone_

 _For so many years_

The song went on to tell the story of a girl who ran away from home because "fun is the one thing that money can't buy." Sirius sniffled and wiped his eye.

"Are you _crying_?!" said Petunia.

"What?! no!"

"Really, are you sure? Because you seem to be tearing up. I always thought that magical people seemed kind of sensitive..."

"SENSITIVE?! I'M NOT SENSITIVE!"

"Okay, okay. You don't need to get so emotional."

"EMOTIONAL!?" he said, "What? I'm never emotional!"

"Hey, it's okay," said Petunia, getting up, "Here, I can get you a tissue."

Sirius wiped his own eye with the cuff of his leather jacket. "Thanks. This was really fun, Petunia. How about we meet again tomorrow night?"

"I…I can't. I have to meet up with my boyfriend, Vernon."

"B...boyfriend?" said Sirius, "But, but...I thought you...and me...me…and you…I thought there was something between us..."

"Really? I hope you didn't make anything more of this than it is. Because I thought we both agreed we didn't want anything 'too serious.'"

"But that was before, we had, like...this connection..." Sirius protested.

"Sirius, this has been fun, but I think we both know that people like you and people like me, we don't really mix. I belong down here on the earth, not up in the sky flying around with someone like you. Being together would be, like, too much of an impossible risky challenge."

 _Too much of an impossible risky challenge?!_

* * *

James Potter found Sirius sitting on his bed, staring into space, surrounded by the empty wrappers of chocolate frogs and wizard trading cards.

"What's wrong with me, Prongs? It feels like someone has ripped out my soul. It feels like I'll never be happy again. Is this what it feels like to finally go mad?"

"No, man," James patted Sirius on the back. "It sounds like you're in love!"

"What does she see in this 'Vernon' guy anyway? Doesn't she know he'll just trap her in a hellish suburban prison that will slowly crush her beautiful free spirit?"

"I don't know," Remus said, "Maybe she actually likes the idea of being in a committed relationship."

"No, Moony! Anything but that!" Sirius said. "Petunia said herself she's not looking for a long-term relationship. She doesn't even really like magic."

"Has it ever occurred to you that maybe she _does_ like magic and she _does_ like romance, but she's just really defensive because she thinks those are things she'll never get to have?"

"Woah, Moony. What are you, some kind of higher-level Legilimens that can understand the mysterious minds of women?

"You have to face it," said James. "These Evans girls are tough. You're just going to have to show her that you're not the guy she thinks you are."

"But James!" Sirius said, "That might mean, like, maturing and growing as a person!"

"I know, bro, it's a scary thought."


	3. Chapter 3

Sirius Black was determined not to give up. He couldn't stop thinking about Petunia, her loud, stubborn voice, her sexily buttoned-up blouses, and her beautiful face with her straight pony tail, which made him imagine that her Animagus form would resemble a proud, wild mare.

He hounded James and Remus constantly, asking James if James had heard anything about Petunia from Lily and asking Remus if Remus had any advice about winning over a Muggle girl.

"Remus, your mum is a Muggle and your dad is a Wizard! How did your dad get your mum to fall in love with him?"

"To fall in love with him?" said Remus, grinning at James, "But I thought you said you weren't interested in commitment."

"I know that's what I've always said," said Sirius, "but I've been thinking really hard about that boggart assignment and I realized my deepest fear isn't commitment. My deepest fear is ending up married to someone exactly like my mum."

"Um…I hate to be the one to break this to you, Sirius, but Petunia Evans _is_ kind of like your mum."

"What? But they're so different!"

"No really," said Remus, "You mum is really prejudiced against Muggles, and from what you've said about her, it sounds like Petunia is prejudiced against dating you because you're _not_ a Muggle."

"So really," concluded Remus smugly. "Even though on the outside they're really different, on the inside they're a lot alike. It's like I said before. You can't judge women just based on their appearances."

"You're such a hypocrite, Remus. You can't tell me you like my cousin because of her shining personality."

"No, Sirius!" Remus blushed happily. "I like Narcissa because she's kind of bitchy but also really sweet and caring, just like my mum if my mum had money and magic!"

" _Oh Meriln,"_ thought Sirius Black.

* * *

Petunia Evan tried focusing during her date with Vernon Dursley but she found her concentration drifting as he talked on and on about different types of power drills. Occasionally, Vernon would interrupt his speech about the differences between a Hammer Drill, a Combi Drill, and an Impact Driver to bark orders at the waiter, complain about nearby teenagers chewing too loudly, and gripe that the restaurant owners allowed dogs to sit near the tables outside.

Vernon's voice kept droning on as the large mustache on his upper lip bobbed up and down. Petunia found her mind drifting to Sirius Black as she thought about how, although the warlock could be arrogant and a little thick, he really was quite handsome.

As Vernon launched into another speech about expensive power drills, she excused herself to get up and go to the bathroom.

One of the dogs that had been sitting near the table followed her. Just as she was about to head to the loo, the black dog transformed into Sirius Black.

"What the?" Petunia gasped. "What are _you_ doing here?"

Sirius Black posed nonchalantly. "Oh, hey Petunia. I thought I'd come by to show you that we can be together and to prove that I _can_ fit into the Muggle world!"

"By turning into a dog and interupting my date?" said Petunia.

"Was that a date? Because it seemed like you were half asleep."

She glared at him, a look that reminded him a bit of the look his mum gave him whenever he was in trouble.

"Please, Petunia give me a chance!" said Sirius, "I've already worked really hard so I could learn how to change from a man into a dog, but now let me show you that I can change from a dog into a man!"

"Um, haven't you done that already?"

"I mean, metaphorically."

"And how do you intend to do that?" said Petunia.

Sirius winked at her. "Accio guitar!" A guitar painted red and gold floated through the air and landed in his arms.

"I know that you haven't met many wizards before," said Sirius, "and maybe you think I'm just playing with your heart like some kind of lame fake magician. But I just wanted to prove to you that you're wrong about me and you're wrong about Jagger."

Sirius closed his eyes, strummed the opening chords, and began singing sincerely and emotionally.

 _Childhood living is easy to do_

 _The things that you wanted_

 _I bought them for you_

 _Graceless lady_

 _You know who I am_

 _You know I can't let you just slide through my hands_

 _And wild horses couldn't drag me away_

 _Wild, wild horses couldn't drag me away_

Petunia fought back tears as Sirius serenaded her with the Rolling Stones ballad.

"You're really special, Petunia," said Sirius, when he finished singing, "If you'll be with me, I'm not going to let anything stand in our way. Not wild horses and not other stuff like Death Eaters or guys with weird mustaches who talk way too much about power drills."

She stared at him speechlessly with sparkles in her eyes.

"I guess what I'm trying to say," said Sirius, "is will you marry me?""

Petunia's eyes widened with horror. " _Marry you?!_ We're not even going out!"

"Really, because in my culture, we've already been together way more times than the traditional courtship period…"

"Oh my god! I'm only seventeen!"

"Most of the girls I know are engaged by the time they're sixteen. I thought you were some kind of spinster."

"A SPINSTER?!" yelled Petunia, "I'm _seventeen!"_

"I mean, like, a sexy spinster." Sirius tried to backpedal as he saw the deadly expression on her face.

"So what does that make you, then, some kind of old bachelor?" said Petunia playfully.

"Yeah, I'm a _freaky_ old bachelor," said Sirius, winking.

"Well, you are a freak."

"That's true, I _am_ a freak!" said Sirius. "Now, do you want to head to the Shrieking Shack? We could do some shrieking of our own."

"Oh my god, what the hell is the Shrieking Shack?"

"Babe, you're about to find out."

Sirius got on the motorbike that was parked outside and Petunia hopped on the back. With a roar of the motorbike's engine, the Prince of Players and the Mugglest Muggle who Ever Muggled flew off into the night sky, never to return again.


End file.
